Jun
17
posted at: 11:03 PM
This week is going to rock. Thursday through Friday will be Sausagefest 2007 out in Eastern Oregon. Yes, it is that time of year again where the boys are separated from the men, and the men head eastward to partake in ancient olympic tasks like fishing, horseshoes, bocce ball, frisbee golf and boozing. Competition lasts all weekend, and at the end of the day, it is a winner-take-all prize of being chased by a drunk, naked Zack across hundreds of acres of desert. Sure, it may sound like hazing - even downright crazy. These are the bonds of a fraternity of men who come together once a year to do what young men do best: absolutely nothing.
I will be doing a whole lot of absolutely nothing while I'm there, without access to mobile phone reception or internet.
Considering these circumstances, I need to make sure to tell you all about a very special event that is coming up next week. This event is the Portland Advertising Federation's first ever Battle of the Bands. As if the advertising world didn't already have enough metrics for talking trash about being the best agency, then now we have one more. Our agency will be partaking in much rocking during our attempt to control the stage of glam at this "buttrock" themed event. You read right, all participants must play 80's metal glam buttrock madness music. Costumes and permed hair are encouraged.
I was one of the few competitively selected to join the ranks of our legion of rock. Actually, I don't think I had a choice, but how could anyone turn down an opportunity to compete in a Battle of the Bands performing tracks that make John Lennon turn over in his grave? I think with some minor improvisational pyrotechnics, we may even have a chance to win. Did I mention that we don't know what the prize is? Oh, the humanity.
Our band has been appropriately named Great White Lion Snake, in honor of the endangered Lion Snake of Madacascar. All proceeds from our winnings (the prize that doesn't exist) will go to help finding a new watering hole so that the Lion Snake may once again flourish. Lion Snakes are frequently spotted wearing leopard print garments, dating well-endowed celebrities from beachfront lifeguard television shows, and consuming lethal amounts of Tennessee mashed whiskey. If we don't win because of our pyrotechnics, our name alone will push the judges over the edge.
So here's the skinny: we all know that the rock scene is dead in Portland, and nobody ever has anything to do on Tuesday nights. That said, if you don't come see the revival of a musical genre that is, frankly, well... missed, then you should probably run away from home, because your parents are just way too strict.
The show will take place on Tuesday, June 26th at 7pm at the Someday Lounge in NW Portland. If you know where backspace is, it's that new bar that they opened recently a couple of doors down. Oh, the cover is also $10 bucks, but you could make that on the corner in about 15 minutes doing some panhandling. If you need help finding it, here is a link on Google Maps. Hope you can make, because if you don't, I will hunt you down and rewire your vehicle so that it only plays 99 Luft Balloons at maximum volume. See you there!